Parenting – a team effort
Lately I have been speaking to various people. Some ask me about possible childcare arrangements, others relate to me the problems that they are facing as a parent.
Ifeel that parenting is a team effort. The team can be the couple, the first-time mother with her mum, maid+mother, part-time cleaners + couple, childcare centres, grandparents, external support group, friends etc. There can be various combination, schedules, arrangements set up in different families just to provide the adequate care for a newborn.
I am lucky. I stay with my in-laws, and my hubby is very hands-on with the kids. Again, having twins also meant that we needed extra pairs of hands where possible, especially during the initial period when I was coping with healing from the delivery, getting the hang of breastfeeding, learning how to be a mummy.
Some other first time mummies may not have that luxury of having trusted caregivers or that they find that the “volunteer” caregivers have very different ideas of parenting and experience to take care of a newborn.
I remembered having arguments with MIL during the first few weeks when I first came back home with the twins. Difference in opinions regarding confinement practices, what the cries of the babies meant, ideas about breast milk, hormonal changes — all these contributed to the stress and tears in that initial period. And then, we learned. Both me and her, and everyone else. We give and take, we discover new ways of adapting to the babies, deciphering their cries, anticipating their needs. Our bodies adjusted to naps and frequent waking at night. We also implemented some routines, in hope that the babies learned the difference between day and night, therefore allowing us to sleep a little more every night. It was really tough in the beginning. The initial months were never easy, and it was hard to enjoy the babies when the daily aspects of taking care of them were tiring everyone out.
I was adamant about having my own personal space, and expressing breast milk became one of the best times for me to take a break from carrying/feeding/washing/changing the babies. I could read books, magazines, watch tv while I express. This was only possible only because I had help. And really, having those extra pairs of hands helped a lot. The milk supply was established, I was not so stressed out, I gave up insisting that things are done my way, or having the idea that it’s either my way or the high-way.
You may wonder where this entry is going. I just want to encourage all the first time mummies out there to hang in there during the initial periods, to know that there are help around, and sometimes when some arrangements are not working out, it may be better to solve the root problem and find solutions that do work for the benefit of making you, the mummy, happy and giving you the rest you need so that you can do all the mummy stuff.
Motherhood/parenting is an on-going learning process, our limits get stretched, our bodies changed, mentality changes. All for the little life(s) we brought into this world. We continue to grow as a person, a mummy, a wife, a co-worker, an employee. It’s never healthy to just define who we are by what we do as a mummy and forgetting our personal self.
To be a better mum, we need to be happy. We need breaks sometimes. All these can only be made possible when we have a good team. So treat the “team” well, treat yourselves well. Then one would find that the little ones become much better too.
Love and falling in love
The recent Valentine’s Day season and a few heart broken friends led to a very deep, lengthy and “tedious” discussion with a friend about Love and the feeling of “falling in love”.
The discussion spanned 4 days, but we can’t come to a conclusion about should one act on the feeling of “falling in love”. So I decided to write this article, based on some of my understanding of what Love and “falling in love” is about.
If you are reading this, please feel free to leave your views.
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The believing of the feeling of “falling in love” can have drastic effects on a marriage, for 2 reasons.
When singles believe too much in this feeling and acted on them, to realise later in the marriage that this feeling has subsided. When this feeling has subsided the image they have about the partner might change accordingly, for the best or worst (therefore a >50% divorce rate). If they do not have the consciousness that this change is part of the process and work on holding the union, the marriage will break.
Secondly, this feeling might arise after the marriage, unfortunately with another target, if the individual trusted and acted on the feeling, inevitably there is negative energy contributed to the marriage, even if s/he simply trusted and not acted on the feeling. Physically, if the original partner found out about the affair, trust is shattered, the union will never be the same again, even if it doesn’t lead to a divorce. If it’s never found out, the energy of the union could have been shifted.
For the other 50% or less that managed to hold the union, we need to ask how many of them are engaging their evolution, how many are really helping the partners in their growth. Are they holding the union for reasons other than love? Eg. children, “face”, etc.
Love is a conscious effort, it’s not something based on the feeling of “falling in love” (although the feeling might still be present in some union, but that is secondary). We Love because we choose to Love. Why love when there’s no falling in love feeling? Because it’s a contract between the souls involved in the union, not just the partners, if the union eventually resulted in the forming of a family unit, the children’s soul are involved too. Karmic connection could also be involved, but I think that could be part of the soul level agreement, or it may not be the ingredient of a spiritual partnership at all.
When we chose to Love another person, especially in the form of a spiritual partnership, we do not attach physically to that person, the union comes about mainly to assist the growth of all the souls involved. There is no fear of losing the loving feeling, or losing the person, no jealousy, no possessiveness, not attachment at all, and therfore no fear, only freedom of expression and Loving energy.
When Love is a conscious effort, it comes from within, we give Love, but we do not seek Love externally. This can only happen when one cultivates self love, the same concept as cultivating the spiritual energy, tapping into the universal source of energy. In this case, it’s tapping into the universal source of Love. When the self love has reached it’s maximum level, the person has successfully integrate the male/female energy in the psyche. This Love energy will start to overflow, this is when he/she is ready to seek out the spritual partner, where through the union, they are able to further elevate each other spiritually.
Why then romantic love happens? The feeling of “falling in love” is the results of the chemical effects of the neurotransmitters in the brain. But why do those chemicals react with each other in the first place? We can explain this from the psychology and spiritual points of view.
We are “hard wired” for the survival of the species, so the “falling in love” feeling is required to provide the platform for a union that resulted in the forming of a family unit, which includes children. Such union may fall apart after the children are brought up to a certain age, and when the duty of the parents are fulfilled.
Another possible reason, is that we were not able to integrate our male/female energy in our childhood formative years, resulting in a piece of us “missing”. But this is not the truth, we may not be complete on the physical level (male OR female, but never both), but we are complete spiritually. So if one is not able to integrate the male/female energies on the spritual level, the physical incompleteness can take over. S/he will then seek the external source of opposite sex energy for completeness. Of course, nobody is able to provide that completeness, except someone who has achieved full self love and fully integrated both energy in him/her self. Unfortunately, someone who feels s/he is incomplete will never be able to attract a “full” person. Therefore it’s always the union of 2 “incomplete” entities, to form a “complete” entity, this eventually resulted in the power struggle when the 2 parties realised that his/her energy is being given out, and stopped giving (this is usually no a conscious process), when this happens, the other partner will resort to childhood dramas to gain the energy, which in turn, resulted in more resistance, thus the power struggle. There’s hope though, if both (or maybe one of the) partners are conscious enough to not engage in the power struggle, they may be able to elevate the union into a lasting love, or better still a spiritual partnership. But unfortunately, this is the path with the highest resistance and requires hard work to achieve, so most of the people chose to give up at the power struggle stage.
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Update:
We took a day off the topic, (and each other 
), and met each other by chance on a weekend and started talking about it again, finally, I think we have come to a conclusion on the topic:
1) One can act on the “falling in love” feeling, this may not necessarily involve the “target” s/he falls in love with.
2) Acting on the feeling may not meant letting the “target” know and starting to go into a relationship with him/her.
3) Acting on the feeeling may generally refer to letting the experience through. Feeling the feeling, which at times can be painful. This may also mean, to take the next steps, for example trying to find out more about the target, to establish whether s/he is really a “suitable” future partner.
4) Acting on the feeling may also mean to recognise why one has this feeling and to address the root cause, eg. one may feel the need to look for external sources to complete oneself, addressing the core issue may be to enhance one’s self-esteem, or to cultivate self love.
5) The above ways of acting on the feeling may be a manifestation of the concept of living in the present, ie. acting on the feeling now, when it happens, but I haven’t fully grasped the concept of living in the present, so I’m not sure.
Things that they never tell you about being first time parents/mums
Recently I have been hearing friends who are first time mums trying to cope with the following: breastfeeding (engorgement, establishing supply, latching), baby crying, lack of sleep, introducing solids, feeding schedules, post-natal recovery, angst of traditions in the confinement period.
There are a lot of information out there on pregnancy and what to expect. But there seems to be a gap in the advise or tips on what to expect after delivery.
My feel is that, what happens right after delivery is usually not as “pretty”. There is a lot of hardwork, lack of sleep, logistics, learning involved, plus coping with emotions and hormonal changes during this period.
I’ll attempt to describe my own experience, in hope that this information can help someone out there.
Breastfeeding
This is a topic that I feel very strongly about, only because I feel that there are a lot of myths and misconceptions around this.
Breastfeeding is not something that one will just pick up at a whim.
It needs to be practiced, support from family and loved ones is very important during the initial stages, persistence and determination of the mummy is critical for success.
Breast milk supply needs time to build up and established to meet the demands of a baby. Some of us are blessed with plenty of milk, others take time to meet the demands of the baby, some just have to supplement with formula milk.
Whichever the case, it is important to focus on the following in order for breastfeeding to succeed:
- Correct latching technique for mummies who choose to feed directly
- Having sufficient rest so that the milk production can take place
- Drinking enough fluids to replenish the body and aid milk production
- Dietary intake: Calcium is highly important.
- Have a positive mindset (something which is hard to do when one is tired, and not having enough sleep)
- Support from family and friends in terms of taking turns to cook/change diapers/clean the house/babysit
- Having a good breast pump should you choose to express. For efficiency and effectiveness, I highly recommend a dual electric breast pump.
- Access to breastfeeding support helplines/groups, lactation consultants in times of need.
Breast milk is great. But not everyone has the stamina to do breastfeeding for extended periods of time, and certainly not everyone can latch on the baby successfuly.
For various reasons, I was a 100% breast pump mummy, for 8 months. Having multiples meant that 1. latching is going to be tough to master (not that it’s impossible), 2. no one else can help to feed if I had to latch so bottle feeding works for me.
What matters is the output, not the process of getting the milk to the baby.
Myth: Formula milk lasts longer than breastmilk, so baby can sleep through the night
I personally tested this with my kids. When they need to drink, they drink. Formula milk (FM) lasts as long as breastmilk (BM), the twins did not sleep through the night just because I gave them FM.
Myth: Breast milk is watery, thus Formula milk is more filling.
Again, this is not true. Breast milk has higher fat content, and because the nutrition level is naturally adjusted according to the baby’s needs, BM gives what the baby requires at each stage, and is more easily absorbed by the body.
Debatable: You need to latch on the baby directly in order to establish good milk supply.
In most cases, I would agree if the baby is a good sucker. Some babies just fall asleep if the milk flow is slow, or they are just slow suckers, and sleepy babies. In such a case, then breastfeeding would potentially cause more anxiety –> thus affecting milk supply –> thus leading to higher chances of the mummy giving up.
A good breast pump may be able to stimulate the supply. Try the industrial breast pumps that can be loaned either during the hospital stay or from the manufacturers. They work wonders.
Maternal Instinct
Not all mummies would instantaneously feel the love for the baby after delivery. It may take time to build that love, especially when one could have a “traumatic” long drawn labour process, and also to cope with the crying and learning how to care for the baby.
Be gentle on yourself. Rest when possible, and in time, the love for the baby will grow.
No one knows instantly what the baby is crying for, it’s a matter of trial and error, through observations and eliminations of causes of cries. There are a wealth of information out there about how certain sounds of the cry could mean a certain thing, but again, it may not apply to every baby.
Some common causes for cries (at least during the first month)
- Hunger (watch for rooting behaviour, moving of the mouths sideways, trying to find the breast/bottle)
- Discomfort (wind in tummy, needing to be cuddled)
- Dirty diaper (wet or soiled)
Confinement Practices
I didn’t practice every single rule in the “confinement traditions” . There are some that I believe has some grounds.
Taking a bath and washing the hair is ok during confinement, it is important that we keep ourselves clean and if there are wounds, it’s even more important to keep up with the hygiene. However, because our pores are open during this period, it is important to dry ourselves completely, immediately after the shower to prevent “wind” from getting into the body, and causing headaches or aches. The hair dryer was a good friend during the confinement month.
I also drank water, besides the red date tea prescribed. Having to express so often, it was very very important that I replenish the fluids, but I had warm water instead of cold or cool.
Food wise, there was not much choices for me, I just had to bear with what was available and eat them. Soups were great though, it replenishes the fluids, and with the fish and papaya soup, it seems to help with increasing the breastmilk supply.
Having a positive mindset, reading up more to learn about the entire parenting experience, and having faith that the tough times will pass are key factors to help one pass through the initial phase.
No one said it was easy, but it can only make you stronger. Surround yourself with positive and encouraging people just makes the ride much smoother.
LOA? Consideration for others
Recently I had several experiences with inconsiderate people.
1. At a baby changing room
The design of this room is longish and between the entrance to the nursing/changing area is the width of a path that could probably just fit maximum 3 prams.
We parked our prams front and back of each other, so that there was space for other people to move into the changing/nursing area. There was this lady, who had a double pram, trying to move out of the changing room, so I carried one of my kid, in order to make way for the lady.
She decided to stop in the middle of path, and continued chatting with another friend who also had a kid, and they were chatting about how this lady got the double pram, and how the pram doesn’t go on the escalator in the mall because it’s too wide.
All these chatting continued for awhile, and I was still carrying my kid + being heavily pregnant. The entire walkway was blocked, and had anyone else tried to enter or exit the changing room, it was totally impossible.
I could only roll my eyes. Should have reminded that woman to stop chatting and move out so that others can move within the room.
2. Inconsiderate taxi driver
A lady with a toddler, a pram and a young kid went to board the cab before me. It was drizzling, and this lady first put her toddler and bags into the cab, then carried her baby, and then she had no hands to keep the pram and put that pram into the boot of the taxi.
Usually I would expect the taxi driver to come down from the taxi, and help the passengers especially in such a situation.
Not at all. Instead the driver just sat in his cab and waited.
Seeing how this lady was struggling, i put down my big bag of stuff, trying to find a dry spot on the floor. Proceeded to help this lady fold her pram and put the pram into the boot of the cab.
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The 2nd incident happened just after I spoke to a friend who had an accident. A taxi cut into his lane, hitting him at the handlebar, causing him to lose control of his bike, and he ended up staying in the hospital for a few days. Another friend concluded that most cab drivers are bad drivers and I was just commenting to a friend that I was lucky to have met mostly good drivers. I did think about some examples of bad taxi drivers, and perhaps I could have focused too much on the examples.
Just the day after, I see this incident where the cab driver is inconsiderate.
LOA at work?
Just felt that there are things that can make this place a better one for everyone.
If we all can put a little thought and consideration for others, there’s really no need for courtesy campaigns. I pray for the day that we will all respect the public space, be a little more considerate and share the common spaces with others.
The world will be a better place.
